Here’s what happened to me (and my colon).
Brendan Klinkenberg
The Mission burrito is a San Francisco institution. Everyone in the Bay Area seems to have an intensely polarizing opinion about it. Rice ruins the authenticity. La Taq is worse than Farolito. And most important: Does a good burrito make you want to burst into Dante’s Inferno-level heartburn flames shortly after eating it?
But when you live here, you get it. Burritos are great, and in San Francisco they are better, and the passion for those burritos is unmatched. Within a few months of moving here, I felt like I could almost eat one for every meal.
So I decided to eat nothing but burritos for a week. That’s right: seven full days.
Hear me out. What if the burrito is actually God’s most complete meal? They hit an awful lot of the food pyramid groups that I know exist. You’ve got your grains (tortillas, rice), fruit (tomatoes, avocados), vegetables (peppers, onions), meat (if nothing else, you can have a diverse range of proteins), and dairy (cheeeeeeese). I had a suspicion that a week-long #burritocleanse might not only be possible; it might be a new way to live. If people can survive on nothing but kale juice for a week, surely I can survive — nay, thrive! — on a holistic burrito journey.
My friends were encouraging. My girlfriend was actively against the challenge and worried about my decision-making abilities when I said I was going along with it. My mom, surprisingly, was fine with it.
I was, as I am with most things, wrong.
1. Eat a burrito (from any location) for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
2. If you’re too full, you may skip a burrito meal, but you may not consume any non-burrito food.
3. Liquids are OK.
4. Don’t die or poop yourself to death.
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